Father's Blessings

I know my kids are still young, but I try to tell them how lucky they are to receive a father's blessing....a personal message, JUST FOR THEM, from our Heavenly Father! Even though they are little, I know they look forward to getting a blessing before school. At least this year they did. I know because they were {mostly} reverent when it was someone else's turn. There was no arguing or resistance when we called them over to begin. And everyone just seemed a bit excited. The clearly love their Daddy and all the positive attention.

Now let's see if I remember, even just a little bit, of what was said to each of them (I must remember a pen and paper next time)!

AUDREY: I do remember the word "example" used a few times. But what I remember most was when you were blessed to offer help to those in need, and you were encouraged to ask for help when you need it. Not only in school settings, but spiritual too. Ask. And then listen.

MAYSIE: A light to others is how you were described. You were thanked for having an enthusiastic desire to read the scriptures as a family. You were blessed with a desire to learn in all subjects at school, and to do your best....at home, at school, and with your spirit.

CAMDEN: Friendly and enthusiastic nature were words used to describe you. (I snuk a peek at you a couple of times during your blessing. You were exercising your brows trying to figure out how you could move your scalp with Dad's hands on your head. And then you pulled a smirk or two when Heavenly Father was describing your friendliness.)

EVELYN: I don't really remember...Leah was pretty much done at this point. Heavenly Father did tell us that it is a blessing to have so many daughters, especially you.

LEAH: She couldn't be left out! When Camden was done she said, "My turn!" I told her she had to wait until Evelyn was done. She did wait so patiently, and as soon as Evelyn got out of the chair Leah climbed right up!! Heavenly Father encouraged your learning and your desire for knowledge. You stayed reverent with your head bowed, your eyes closed, and your arms folded for so long!! But once you got a peek and noticed that Evelyn's eyes were opened you wanted to play...still quiet with your arms folded, but definitely goofy.

the Lord is mindful of you

I sure struggled wanting to go to church today. The kids often argue about who gets to sit by me, Evelyn insists on sitting on my lap, Maysie wants me to tickle her while she lays on my lap, Cam is loud, etc., etc. Add the crowd surrounding us to all that and I get overwhelmed pretty regularly on Sundays.

(Side note: my desire to do adult and life things fluctuates between "dance party" and "I'd rather nap" fairly consistently. Like every couple of weeks or so. A follow up with the holistic doctor and she's got me on hormones for a couple of weeks before my period. And she said I'm free to increase the supplements she suggested any time I feel a mood shift. Well, it's not just today I guess. I've been a bit moody the past few days...I am late in starting the hormones, so I'll do that tonight and increase the supplements.)

ANYWAY. I just didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home all by myself. In the quiet. And try to process my thoughts. Or nap. I told Morgan, after a little tantrum of mine, that I was trying my hardest not to text my teaching partner and tell her I'm flaking out today.

Then I got a text asking me to say the closing prayer in sacrament meeting.

God knows I feel bad saying no. So He totally planned that.

And off to church I went.

P.S.
Sacrament wasn't so bad today. Morgan made sure he sat near me and we each had some kids on either side of us. It seemed to work during most of the hour meeting.

I'm learning

I am learning about the power of Christ's atonement. Little by little. Line upon line.

As a pre-teen, teenager, and even into my early 20's I learned the power of Christ's love and His power to save me from my sins. No one is beyond His reach. When Morgan and I were a young couple and faced with financial struggles while trying to grow our family I learned to trust Christ and his timing, and that faithfully keeping His commandments will bring blessings. As I've grown as a parent I have also grown to learn that Christ can save us from our fears and weaknesses, and that the atonement can teach us how to react with love, and to love others unconditionally. But there is a lesson I have yet to learn, and over the years He has tried again and again to teach me but I have struggled to understand.

There have been distinct events in my life where I have thought all might be lost...feeling worthless or not enough, self-harm, drowning in sin while knowing there is a better way, yearning to become a mother, yearning for a child to be healed, self-doubt, feeling worthless, not enough, or like you're ruining it all, wanting to disappear, etc.

But He keeps bringing me back to His light. His love and His joy.

All is not lost with Christ.

About four years ago I fell into a deep depression after moving and not connecting with any new neighbors. Isolation and insecurities ran my life and soon I turned to a professional for help with these self-destructive feelings because they were affecting the kind of wife and mother I was and wanted to be. Along with medication he required a healthy diet and exercise. Six months later and I was feeling better, still not completely like myself, but I felt like I could manage any future difficulties without medication.

Two years ago I felt the pains of social anxiety, worthlessness, and isolation resurface only a few months after having Leah. I knew right away that imagining myself disintegrating into darkness would lead to something worse and that I needed medication again. Along with a prescription, my doctor emphasized the importance of self-care. Same story, and six months later I felt more capable of handling life and my emotions without help.

January 2019 started this round and my insecurities flourished within me. Three months earlier I had finished a coaching program and even though every day of it felt like I was battling myself, physically I felt better than I had in a while. Mentally I was still not convinced that I was worth the effort, and thus could not sustain the healthy choices and gym sessions on my own. Feeling poorly about myself led to eating poorly, and crap food became my go-to whenever I was feeling like crap, which was more often than I'd like to admit. I doubted my abilities, intelligence, and every good thing about me became irrelevant.

I didn't want to turn to medication since I had tried it twice before only to find myself returning to the same scenario for a third time. So in April I turned to therapy. I have learned some helpful tools in becoming mindful of my thoughts, the power of our thoughts, and calming techniques, and I feel like I have been able to manage "the mess" inside. But only a couple of weeks ago I realized I'm still "a mess" inside. The progress I thought I had made seemed to crumble around me in only a day. Horrible, self-harming thoughts seemed to come from nowhere and even with prayer and meditation they were uncontrollable. On the advice of my therapist I turned to a holistic doctor. Her recommendation was a handful of supplements, and to limit sugar and flour.

Here we are, five days of a conscious diet and taking the supplements as directed, and listening to Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel" over and over again. And a couple of months into trying to pray and read just a bit every day (and make my bed...something a speaker shared at BYU Women's Conference).

"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend....Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles."

Through all of this I feel like I have searched for Him, although the intensity fluctuates. My devotion to prayer and study have gone up and down. So has my temple attendance. I have faithfully taken the sacrament, fulfilled my church callings, and read the Book of Mormon almost daily with my family last year, even if I had a bad attitude about it. Any of it. Our family is struggling, but still attempting, to study the New Testament this year and even though we don't study every night we have had some great, faith-building conversations with our kids.

So what is it I am supposed to learn in this wilderness of mine? Have I forgotten Him? Is He trying to bring me to remembrance? Have I been ungrateful? Do I need to have better consistency? Because I seriously struggle here, but I do try and give a real effort. Are my walls against Satan not tall or strong enough? Is there more I need to learn about self-love and acceptance? Because I thought I had conquered this before, and now I've gotten lost or it's been taken.

doin her makeup

sweet girl wanted to be like her big sisters putting on makeup today!

only, she waited until no one was paying attention so she could do it herself

and then used it to make art around the house

today I sipped up a pencil through my drinking straw thanks to this little one

these photos were from thursday when I thought we'd let Leah have some ice cream and see how she felt.

it hasn't been pretty.

self help with steel magnolias

I needed to feel some emotion tonight, and what better way that to watch Steel Magnolias! There are a million great quotes from that movie, but this one resonated with me tonight.

girls weekend

I went for a girls weekend with A TON of ladies from the neighborhood. Well, a ton to me means close to 20. It was a big group.

We drove down Thursday night, hiked a little of Friday, some girls played pickle ball and sat near the pool on Saturday, and at night there were games and karaoke. We drove home Sunday morning and made it in time for church!

Friday morning breakfast at Hash House

Amiee's pancake was bigger than her face!!!

About five more ladies came down that afternoon.

Suzanne and I at Gunlock. It was so pretty.

more hiking on Friday

Friday night was kind of rough! There were so many people all day, lots of noise, and just too much going on for my brain to handle! I ended up going to bed kind of early to get away from it all. I was worried how Saturday would go, but with a few prayers I felt better equipped to handle the crowd, and some of the bigger/stronger personalities.

I learned I am definitely a small-group kinda gal! With fewer people it's so much easier to relate, and share, and connect with each other. I just wish I knew who my small group was. The car ride there and home was so relaxing and nice to chat and get to know some of the ladies in our neighborhood a little better.

beautiful day for a picnic

I really need a new phone, well camera really. The only good photos I get is when I'm outside! Otherwise they're yellow and blurry. :(

bath night

school pictures

for Ariel.

Ariel sure is lucky she has Evie to help her get ready for these! 

Here's a behind-the-scenes shot...